A Christmas Dream of Schnapps
Did “Broadbrim’s” Moralism once compete with “Twas the night before Christmas?” Who wins in a fight between “Jolly St. Nick” and Schnapps Imps?
Project Gutenberg released an interesting Christmas poem this year on December 26, 2022:
It was Christmas Eve, of all nights in the year,
And old Schneider Von Groot, who was full of good cheer,
Was seeking his home, like a jolly old elf,
And was singing a drinking song all to himself,
Of the glories of beer, and of schnapps, and of wine, —
Of the draught that makes mortal clay feel so divine, —
Of the drink that drowns sorrow, misfortune and care —
Before which life’s ills vanish into thin air.“Schneider von Groot’s Christmas Dream” (1885) from Project Gutenberg
Von Groot dreams of a river of endless schnapps, joyfully pledges to drink “like a fish from the morning till night.” However, two green demon imps appear and a battle breaks out during which “thousands were slaughtered, the ranks were supplied // By new thousands who fought for the men who had died.”
In an immortal South Park episode, “The Red Badge of Gayness,” Civil War reenactors representing the Confederacy get so drunk — off schnapps! — they attack the National Guard, storm Ft. Sumter, invade Washington DC, and nearly convince President Clinton to surrender.
Curious how the same liquid remains so volatile…
When Von Groot is rescued, then an angel flew him to a place where “the fields, they were golden with ripe waving wheat.” He drinks a golden beverage that revives his spirits…
Water? Urine?
My first thought was of mythical Rocky Mountain springs of Colorado — South Park’s setting — source of the liquid that gave rise to one of America’s three largest brewery brands.
“Pure water” indeed.
In 2022, “Schneider Von Groot’s” Christmas Dream reads like an ironic counterpoint to Clement Clarke Moore’s “Visit from Santa Claus.” Who decided this piece was worth preserving for the ages? Not exactly scintillating wordplay.
Clement Clark Moore’s concept of Santa Claus dramatically altered “Father Christmas” and “Sinterklaas” to invent the jolly American Capitalist Santa, rather than disciplinarian or bishop. This ‘Santa Claus’ outclassed his rivals, at least in terms of holiday economic clout.
Christmas 2022 drew my eyes to minds behind South Park. Their first foray into animation — 30 years ago! —was a ‘Christmas story’ involving a death match between Santa Claus and Jesus over who owns Christmas.
I’d amend that, putting “Schneider Von Groot” (riding a certain Marvel-ous walking treeman) — shooting branches through Santa’s sleigh, crushing/obliterating most reindeer, until elven raccoons pop up with oversized rocket launchers, Molotov cocktails and flamethrowers of burning schnapps…
Something like this:
’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, save old Schneider Von Groot,
He drank schnapps like piranhas assailing a mouse
And made war on St. Nicholas whom he stabbed like a brute.
If you’re considering end of year donations to worthy causes, our friends at Project Gutenberg could probably use some help. They’ve been hard at work disseminating other, better works unto the world.
