Blood Sacrifices in Texas!

Random blonde white woman in Texas says Hocus Pocus 2 is evil; goes viral; everyone ignores the diamonds on her ears

“The whole thing is about blood sacrifices!” said Jamie Gooch

Responding to the critical importance of a viral video from a Texas white woman, Governor Abbott seized on the emergency by noting:

“Here in Texas, we don’t permit blood sacrifices! We teach our kids to be proper targets for active shooters, because we know the only thing that stops a bad man with a gun is 300 good men with guns, unless someone leaves the door unlocked somewhere, because unlocked doors are how kids get shot in Texas and that’s why CRT is killing our children!”

Asked about whether he intended to send more migrant children to New York to avoid a prevalence of witches in Texas, Abbott refused to comment. However, a black cat interrupted the press briefing to warn that deportation is ineffective against witches.

“They fly on brooms, vacuums! Even ROBOT VACUUMS!”

Unfortunately, the viral video omits comments by Ms. Gooch regarding whether the diamonds in her earrings were obtained through blood sacrifices of real children. She thinks they’re cute. Besides, who cares?



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Tom Tordillo

Necromancer unleashing zombie hordes from Project Gutenberg to work literary atrocities. Also father/lawyer/commentator/ironic.